Yoga - The New Four Letter Word

Yoga, Yoga

Yank My Toga

Bend awkwardly

And Say..."Aloha"?!

Yoga is a four letter word. I'm serious. Check it out for yourself. Y-o-g-a. Four letters. While it does not gratify the (same) senses as the original four letter word, namely, F***, Yoga nonetheless, is to me, increasingly beginning to sound like an expletive.

One who practices the original four letter word is known as a F*****. That's six letters. Let me at this time humbly beg your forgiveness for not spelling out both the F-words. A thousand apologies if I made it hard for you to count the *'s, especially with the font I'm using. But what could I do? This is a family website.

Oh-kay.

Let's continue. One who practices Yoga, is know as a Yogi. Y-o-g-i. Four letters. Again! See? I couldn't make this up even if I wanted too!! It's a conspiracy!!!

Over the years, quite a few inventions, philosophies, ideologies, etc., have been touted as the next big thing, saviors of mankind, whatever. Today, Yoga seems to be rivaling the best of the best of such ideas. It is a universal craze. When some idea becomes so prevalent, it inevitably ends up becoming a buzz word. Buzz words are not allowed to leave anyone behind, oh no. Everyone has to have an opinion about it, else one is not considered to be part of the Club. What Club is that, you ask? I'm finding it a bit tough to come up with good name at the moment. I certainly don't want to call it the "Gathering of People with no life at Starbucks". I like Starbucks. So let me quite simply call it @#$%^&*!@#$%^&*!.

Low self esteem issues? Do Yoga!

Having problems in your marriage? Yoga for Sex. Yeah right!!

Lost your Job? Why not do Yoga? Hey, better yet, become a Yoga Instructor !!!

During the Dot Com era, Dry Cleaners were offering Stock tips to their customers. Gas Station Attendants were turning IT Recruiters for companies trying to peddle crap on the Internet and, if I might add, to their shareholders. Today, your Barber will likely enlighten you with his knowledge of some Asana that will help relieve the crick in your neck. Never mind it was he who caused the crick in the first place when he casually nudged your head sideways against your unspoken protests, while pretending to trim the hair atop your bald spot.

Now before all you Yogaphiles get your undergarments twisted up in a bunch, let me fess up. I do not understand Yoga. That's right. I honestly do not (completely) get it. What's more, I go to a Yoga class and I don't hate it. Really. I might even like it. I am just not quite sure yet. I don't even know - or care, frankly - if it is indeed Yoga that I'm learning. What I do know is I don't have to drag myself to the class once a week. What I will also tell you is at an earlier point in time, I had tried other Yoga classes. As you can probably guess, they all sucked most intensely.

I know, I know. "How can he say those Yoga classes weren't legit when he is admitting he does not understand Yoga?", some of you are fuming. Why do I know? There is a perfectly good reason. While I might electrocute myself trying to setup my home theater system, or flood the house trying to fix a leaky faucet, I do know the difference between an Electrician and a Plumber. I believe I have the requisite IQ to distinguish between a Yoga Instructor and a Bullshit Artist.

I have nothing against Yoga. No, really. That would be hypocritical. One shouldn't have anything against something that one does not understand. Yoga Instructors? Well, those are offspring of a different beast altogether. Yoga Instructors I know. Oh yeah. And you should know 'em too. Who are they? They are those Barbers, Gas Station Attendants, etc., who know they get paid helluva more by passing themselves off as Yoga Instructors, than what they were making in their previous occupation. The risk - barrier to entry into the upper echelons of the Club - is low. The reward - recognition as a Spiritual Being - is high. They are no different than Stock Brokers shoving bad investment advice down our throats, thereby turning us into hapless clients. $10 per class, 10 people per class, class lasts for an hour equals $100 per hour. Do you make $100 per hour? Think about it.

The problem with fads is that you have to take the good with the bad. Some real Dot Com companies exist today. Those that were crap rightly and eventually got flushed down the toilet. Don't know how long that'll take with Yoga Instructors. Perhaps never, since at least as of today, Yoga Instructors do not trade on the stock exchanges and don't look like going bankrupt anytime soon. Wonder if anyone has tried flushing them down the toilet though. Just a thought.

So given you want to learn Yoga, you have to waste some mental collateral when choosing your Yoga Instructor. I am naturally suspicious of Professional Yoga Instructors. Were the clients of Bernie Madoff able to recognize his abilities as a Professional Money Manager? Hell, no. So what makes you think you have any special talents in spotting a bona fide Yoga Instructor? You really don't.

In all honesty, that is perhaps why I like my current Yoga Instructor. He is a highly placed official at a Bank. He does not need to teach Yoga for a living. Maybe that's why I implicitly trust him. Maybe that is why when he delivers profound instructions such as "Breathe deeply through nose", I give him the benefit of doubt. I don't go, "WTF? Have you tried to breathe deeply through any other hole in your body? It is distinctly uncomfortable!".

As an aside, there are perfectly good reasons why at times, I don't wanna breathe deeply through my nose in Yoga class. Here's one of them.

That is not to say all Professional Yoga Instructors are bad. In fact, I know a couple myself who really believe in their craft and have spent several years, from a young age, learning and practicing Yoga. They are good friends, but neither is my Yoga Instructor since they live inconveniently away. The point is, you are better off finding a Yoga Instructor by word of mouth. Don't blindly sign up for a class at your local Yoga Center with just anyone.

Here's one hint you may have made a mistake with your Yoga Instructor. Say if your class lasts for an hour, and you are spending 45 minutes doing breathing exercises, err, sorry taking Yogic Breaths (hah! learned something new didn't you?) and making weird sounds, err, I mean Aum ॐ, the next 10 doing neck exercises, and the last 5 trying to touch your feet, chances are quite high you have been had.

So here's my tribute to all - well most - Yoga Instructors. NOT!

Note to David Letterman : Please do not use these on your TV show without my permission, or you'll just end up having to come clean about something else to your fans other than your sexual escapades.

The Top 10 Reasons Why NOT To Take a Yoga class

10) Only midgets don't have trouble touching their feet.

9) You might end up being the butt of jokes on a Penn & Teller's Bullshit episode.

8) If you fall asleep during the class no one will wake you up.

7) You'll trade relief from back and neck pain for stomach ache.

6) Aren't software developers from India quite enough?

5) Who wants to stay on the Mat all the time?

4) You cannot check out each other when your eyes are closed most of the time.

3) You can learn to hum Aum ॐ in the proper key much better in your shower.

2) What? Just because you were too wimpy to do push-ups?

... and the number 1 reason why NOT to take a Yoga class ...

1) The good looking chics are in the Aerobics class.

And a final word to all Me-Too-Yoga-Wanna-be's. Just because someone makes you bend and twist your body in interesting ways, does not mean it's Yoga. In fact, there may be something seriously wrong with it. Ask this guy when he can hear you.

Be careful out there. Yoga Instructor lurking round the corner.