The Lord Of The Puddings

This is part of a two-post blog entry.

Please click here for Part I : The Scum Of All Fears.

Lost your job and no money in the bank?

24 hour curfew?

Famine?

Sudden bout of Agoraphobia? (thank you Dean Koontz).

Think of all the possible reasons you cannot get food. It shouldn't be too difficult. After all, you have, as we saw last week, been subtly conditioned to experience all kinds of Fear. Still, if you are experiencing trouble letting your imagination run wild, simply assume for a moment that food as you know it, is going to go out of style for a few weeks.

What? No food! Oh, my God! What do we do? Fear not, My Dear. If you want to protect yourself from such a predicament, you can purchase Food Insurance from this insurance provider for a rainy day, literally and figuratively speaking.

Food insurance is not insurance. At least not the way most sane folk would interpret it, especially after reading all the marketing surrounding it. So to decide whether it is right for you, you have to use that part of your brain that you know does not exist. The part that would certify you to be legally committed to a mental institution. However, I ask you to find that part of your brain otherwise, the fun stops right here.

We live in interesting times. We fear everything, but mostly we fear losing our jobs in this economy. So this is how the logic (sic) goes.

If we lose our job, we will not have money to pay for food.

If we get food insurance then we will not have to worry about going hungry some rainy days in future.

This totally explains why suddenly this guy decided to go on radio and tell me to buy food insurance, right? It had indeed been raining. What timing! Did I not get wet couple of days back on my visit to the grocery store? If I had had food insurance, I wouldn't have made the trip to the grocery store. I needn't have gotten wet! I'm such a moron. But that's quite enough about me. Let's talk about you.

You, who? Who, you? You, who only makes enough money every day to feed your family. You, who has deemed Food Insurance as a must have. So, how do you manage to get Food Insurance? You use your credit card and run a debt to purchase food insurance. Simple!

Say you lose your job. Got food? Yup!

Hold on, now. What about your credit card bill? No problemo. Why? You see, you also have Credit Card Insurance that pays off your credit card balance in the event you lose your job. Marvellous!!

Just stop right there! How were you able to pay for Credit Card Insurance in the first place when all of your daily earnings went into buying food for your family? Why, you simply took a loan from the bank, of course. Genius !!!

I think I will end this particular thread of discussion lest one of you decide to shape-shift your way through the internet, emerge from my monitor, and whack me senseless. Besides, I need to take care of something urgently. So please excuse me for a minute or two. I'll be right back.

October 24th, 2009, 1300 hours

"Honey!"

"Yes dear?"

"You know how you go to the grocery store every Sunday to buy us like, food and stuff? Like, those things that last us like, the whole week? Sometimes like, two weeks?"

"What about it, dear?"

"Well, there's the good news and then there's the bad news. The good news is that we have Food Insurance and I didn't even know it. That really gives me a renewed sense of security."

"Aw shucks! That was nothing, really. But perhaps you understand now why I didn't want you buying us Life Insurance and Health Insurance when we got married. I wanted to make sure we would be able to manage Food Insurance first. But what's the bad news?"

"The bad news is if only you had told me sooner that what we have is actually food insurance, I could have have started a website that sold Food Insurance, like FoodInsurance Dot Com or FoodInsurance Dot Net. People everywhere would have bought Food Insurance from us because I don't believe there are many enterprises out there selling Food Insurance."

"I don't get it, dear. You think we should start a special kind of grocery store?"

"No, no. Of course not. We don't want to be selling food like any ordinary grocery store. Think Big. We should be selling Food Insurance. You see, because it's insurance, we can sell it for any price we want. Hardly any competition in the marketplace to speak off. Too bad we are not the first ones to the party. A few wives seem to have already told their husbands about it and they have been raking in the money online."

"Oh dear! I'm so sorry. Can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?"

"Tut, tut, my love. I still adore you. And all is not lost. I've started putting together a business plan for our website - GroceryInsurance Dot Com. I have it all figured out. We will sell our Food Insurance in assorted colored backpacks that customers can chose instead of just red ones like those other guys. We can also sell it for $10 cheaper to begin with in order to jump-start our business. There is so much profit margin, it'll be but a blip on our balance sheet."

"Oh my darling, you are so innovative! Wait till Mama hears this! Married a good for nothing nitwit did I, Dad? We'll show 'em!"

"When you call them to gloat, don't forget to mention they can buy Food Insurance from us if they are in the market for it. Tell them we'll give them a 25% family discount."

"Yeah. Not that they deserve it after all the bad things they have said about you. I love you so much, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm...Kiss, Kiss, Kiss..."

"I know, I know, I know..."

Okay I'm back. Where were we? Ah, yes. We had just finished discussing the need for Food Insurance in the larger scheme of things. Now, let's dive into the details.

Food Insurance is Gourmet Food. Lasagna. Beef Stroganoff. Ain't that cool?

Just picture this. Martians have invaded Earth. Utter destruction every where you turn. You and your family are sitting on the front porch of what was once your home. Your neighbor is in a similar situation. He's feeding his family out of a can of Spam. You pity him. If only he had Food Insurance like you. You take a bite of your Food Insurance and let out a sound of decadent satisfaction as the morsel rolls down your tongue, and into your belly as your neighbor watches you with envy. Your family looks at you with pride in their bosom and undisguised awe in their eyes. You are eating fresh delectable Gourmet Food while your neighbor is eating out of a can. All made possible because of Food Insurance.

Note to Neighbor : When you finish feeding your family, can you please shoot me?

And that's not all! The Martian siege continues for another 20 years. Now you are eating out of 10 inch cans of Gourmet Food provided by your Food Insurance, while your neighbor and his family have long perished. Really? Sure, anything is possible, no?

Food Insurance ships in special pouches that are vacuum sealed using space age technology. Food lasts for between 7 and 10 years. To maximize shelf life, all you need to do is store the food in a Cool Dry place with temperature around 75 degrees Fahrenheit. Let's make sure we got that.

Cool. Dry.

One more time...

Cool. Dry.................Fire. Flood.

Okay, let's not get bored with the details. There are more important aspects to understand.

Food Insurance comes in 10 inch cans too, not just pouches. The 10 inch cans will last upto 25 years. Wow!

Note to self : Make sure you remember WTF you keep stuff you'll need after 25 years.

What if your house is flooded? You cannot drive your car to the grocery store. No problem. Just swim to your Food Insurance. The bags are water proof (maybe), you see? My, oh my! Have they thought of everything or what?

What if your Food Insurance floats away? Assuming you have reported the Food Insurance as a valuable asset when you obtained your Flood Insurance, you can always file a claim for it. Did you just see how two different kinds of insurance can protect against the loss of each other? Surely the brain child of a Nobel Laureate.

Say what? You don't have Flood Insurance? Darn! If only you had been smart enough to have purchased Flood Insurance as well after you purchased Food Insurance. Still, you did good. At least, you did purchase Food Insurance. You couldn't use it when you needed it, but that's not anybody's fault, is it? Having the foresight to have Food Insurance by itself stands you apart from a million other equally intelligent people who went with Termite Insurance instead. As a side note, if you are shopping for Termite Insurance, please be sure to ask whether they offer an option that covers your Food Insurance against damage from a Termite attack. It never hurts to be prepared enough.

We are digressing a little bit, so let's get back on topic. What if you open the pouch after 7 years and 1 day? Will the food have rotted by then? Hmmm..., let's see.

Did you store the food insurance in Cool Dry place? Yeah? How Dry? And how Cool? If your air conditioning went on the blink and you lived in Arizona, your home was a cool 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Awesome! You should probably eat the food a little earlier. Like maybe, immediately? And then don't forget to get more Food Insurance. So you kinda always have some Food Insurance. You know what I'm saying?

By now you shouldn't have any doubts whatsoever it is highly recommended you never be without Food Insurance. What did you say? You sorta already do that? No! You lie! What you are doing now is buying food. You need to buy Food Insurance, you see? It's not the same thing. You don't get Food Insurance at your local grocery store. You get that from us and us alone! Don't forget that all the Fed money printing is going to cause hyperinflation at some point. You are thinking of buying Gold to preserve your purchasing power when that happens. But you cannot eat your Gold bars. Before food, and Food Insurance (of course) becomes impossibly expensive, it is an excellent idea for you to arrange for Food Insurance right now, so you can afford to eat 25 years hence.

I would like to report I just tried hanging myself. Such is my luck, the rope snapped.

Food Insurance also comes with bottled water, matches, heating stove, etc. A comprehensive solution for solving your food problem. Just add water and heat it. Several years after you purchase Food Insurance from us, you'll find out just how good we were. Are. Were? Are? And if for some reason, we don't measure up, you shouldn't be surprised if we have closed shop. Needless to say there will not be anyone around to share our liability. We are guaranteeing our food for at least 7 years, and while we haven't actually been in business for 7 years yet, we just happen to know a few people who claim to have had some experience storing food for 25 years. So you can trust us. What do you have to lose? Do you ever have any guarantee that your Health Insurance provider will not deny your claim? So surely you shouldn't hold us to a higher standard now, should you?

I am happy to report, my efforts in the last 5 minutes, have finally met with success. What you are reading after this point is being typed by my ghost.

October 24th, 2025, 2100 hours

GroceryInsurance Dot Com has been a stupendous success, well beyond our dreams. We are Billionaires. We are eating dinner when our elder one makes a profound declaration.

"Dad, Mom. I'm going to be rich like you anyways, so I've decided to drop out of Fale University."

"What!", I say, flabbergasted. If you think you can simply live off your inheritance, we are not going to leave you a dime!"

"Relax Old Man. I don't want anything from you."

"Oh yeah? What are you going to eat, then? You think I'm going to give you Food Insurance for free? Fat chance!", I thunder.

"Dad! Calm down! I just want to follow in your footsteps. Be an entrepreneur like you and Mom. I've already registered the domain name Gasoline Insurance Dot Com. Me and my fellow dropout friend from Fale, Whosemorals R. Elastix, have come up with a plan to sell folks Gasoline Insurance. We will sell 10 gallons of gasoline in air tight tanks that can last upto 6 years without turning into tar."

My ears perk up. "Tell me more, son. Tell me more."

"We know so many folks are worried about Oil Shock, Peak Oil, Gulf Wars that will cause disruption of the oil supply. We did some market research using the customer list for GroceryInsurance Dot Com. We were overjoyed to find almost 100% of your customers are also interested in purchasing Gasoline Insurance. Has there ever been anything more of a sure thing?"

"Bravo!" I beam and hold my wife's hand. "We're so proud of you!"

"A chip of the old block", my wife says as she leans over and gives our son a peck.

"But that's not all, Mom. Junior has a business idea too."

I can barely contain myself. "Really! Lord, thank you for this day. Lay it on me, squirt!"

"Well, I have decided to attend Scamford University. And also the topic of my research project for my Master Of Bullshit Degree", explained Junior. "If I'm successful, I think it will lead to a very profitable venture. Like Big Bro Bubba, I have also registered a domain name. NaturalGasInsurance Dot Com."

"Brilliant!" me and my wife exclaim in unison. "People will never have to worry about not being able to light a gas stove again. Natural Gas reserves have been steadily declining over the years", I nod wisely. "You couldn't have chosen a more opportune moment to explore the possibilities".

Our younger 'un looks a little perplexed. "What's wrong baby?" his Mom worries.

"I think you misunderstand my intentions", Junior says seriously. "I was talking about designing an underwear with a built-in sound suppressor, odor blocker and high pressure compression chamber that can trap farts for a full 12 hours. So people can protect themselves against accidental public embarrassment."

Herr Flatulence and family have a very bright future indeed!