The Lord Of The Puddings

This is part of a two-post blog entry.

Please click here for Part I : The Scum Of All Fears.

Lost your job and no money in the bank?

24 hour curfew?

Famine?

Sudden bout of Agoraphobia? (thank you Dean Koontz).

Think of all the possible reasons you cannot get food. It shouldn't be too difficult. After all, you have, as we saw last week, been subtly conditioned to experience all kinds of Fear. Still, if you are experiencing trouble letting your imagination run wild, simply assume for a moment that food as you know it, is going to go out of style for a few weeks.

What? No food! Oh, my God! What do we do? Fear not, My Dear. If you want to protect yourself from such a predicament, you can purchase Food Insurance from this insurance provider for a rainy day, literally and figuratively speaking.

Food insurance is not insurance. At least not the way most sane folk would interpret it, especially after reading all the marketing surrounding it. So to decide whether it is right for you, you have to use that part of your brain that you know does not exist. The part that would certify you to be legally committed to a mental institution. However, I ask you to find that part of your brain otherwise, the fun stops right here.

We live in interesting times. We fear everything, but mostly we fear losing our jobs in this economy. So this is how the logic (sic) goes.

If we lose our job, we will not have money to pay for food.

If we get food insurance then we will not have to worry about going hungry some rainy days in future.

This totally explains why suddenly this guy decided to go on radio and tell me to buy food insurance, right? It had indeed been raining. What timing! Did I not get wet couple of days back on my visit to the grocery store? If I had had food insurance, I wouldn't have made the trip to the grocery store. I needn't have gotten wet! I'm such a moron. But that's quite enough about me. Let's talk about you.

You, who? Who, you? You, who only makes enough money every day to feed your family. You, who has deemed Food Insurance as a must have. So, how do you manage to get Food Insurance? You use your credit card and run a debt to purchase food insurance. Simple!

Say you lose your job. Got food? Yup!

Hold on, now. What about your credit card bill? No problemo. Why? You see, you also have Credit Card Insurance that pays off your credit card balance in the event you lose your job. Marvellous!!

Just stop right there! How were you able to pay for Credit Card Insurance in the first place when all of your daily earnings went into buying food for your family? Why, you simply took a loan from the bank, of course. Genius !!!

I think I will end this particular thread of discussion lest one of you decide to shape-shift your way through the internet, emerge from my monitor, and whack me senseless. Besides, I need to take care of something urgently. So please excuse me for a minute or two. I'll be right back.

October 24th, 2009, 1300 hours

"Honey!"

"Yes dear?"

"You know how you go to the grocery store every Sunday to buy us like, food and stuff? Like, those things that last us like, the whole week? Sometimes like, two weeks?"

"What about it, dear?"

"Well, there's the good news and then there's the bad news. The good news is that we have Food Insurance and I didn't even know it. That really gives me a renewed sense of security."

"Aw shucks! That was nothing, really. But perhaps you understand now why I didn't want you buying us Life Insurance and Health Insurance when we got married. I wanted to make sure we would be able to manage Food Insurance first. But what's the bad news?"

"The bad news is if only you had told me sooner that what we have is actually food insurance, I could have have started a website that sold Food Insurance, like FoodInsurance Dot Com or FoodInsurance Dot Net. People everywhere would have bought Food Insurance from us because I don't believe there are many enterprises out there selling Food Insurance."

"I don't get it, dear. You think we should start a special kind of grocery store?"

"No, no. Of course not. We don't want to be selling food like any ordinary grocery store. Think Big. We should be selling Food Insurance. You see, because it's insurance, we can sell it for any price we want. Hardly any competition in the marketplace to speak off. Too bad we are not the first ones to the party. A few wives seem to have already told their husbands about it and they have been raking in the money online."

"Oh dear! I'm so sorry. Can you ever find it in your heart to forgive me?"

"Tut, tut, my love. I still adore you. And all is not lost. I've started putting together a business plan for our website - GroceryInsurance Dot Com. I have it all figured out. We will sell our Food Insurance in assorted colored backpacks that customers can chose instead of just red ones like those other guys. We can also sell it for $10 cheaper to begin with in order to jump-start our business. There is so much profit margin, it'll be but a blip on our balance sheet."

"Oh my darling, you are so innovative! Wait till Mama hears this! Married a good for nothing nitwit did I, Dad? We'll show 'em!"

"When you call them to gloat, don't forget to mention they can buy Food Insurance from us if they are in the market for it. Tell them we'll give them a 25% family discount."

"Yeah. Not that they deserve it after all the bad things they have said about you. I love you so much, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm...Kiss, Kiss, Kiss..."

"I know, I know, I know..."

Okay I'm back. Where were we? Ah, yes. We had just finished discussing the need for Food Insurance in the larger scheme of things. Now, let's dive into the details.

Food Insurance is Gourmet Food. Lasagna. Beef Stroganoff. Ain't that cool?

Just picture this. Martians have invaded Earth. Utter destruction every where you turn. You and your family are sitting on the front porch of what was once your home. Your neighbor is in a similar situation. He's feeding his family out of a can of Spam. You pity him. If only he had Food Insurance like you. You take a bite of your Food Insurance and let out a sound of decadent satisfaction as the morsel rolls down your tongue, and into your belly as your neighbor watches you with envy. Your family looks at you with pride in their bosom and undisguised awe in their eyes. You are eating fresh delectable Gourmet Food while your neighbor is eating out of a can. All made possible because of Food Insurance.

Note to Neighbor : When you finish feeding your family, can you please shoot me?

And that's not all! The Martian siege continues for another 20 years. Now you are eating out of 10 inch cans of Gourmet Food provided by your Food Insurance, while your neighbor and his family have long perished. Really? Sure, anything is possible, no?

Food Insurance ships in special pouches that are vacuum sealed using space age technology. Food lasts for between 7 and 10 years. To maximize shelf life, all you need to do is store the food in a Cool Dry place with temperature around 75 degrees Fahrenheit. Let's make sure we got that.

Cool. Dry.

One more time...

Cool. Dry.................Fire. Flood.

Okay, let's not get bored with the details. There are more important aspects to understand.

Food Insurance comes in 10 inch cans too, not just pouches. The 10 inch cans will last upto 25 years. Wow!

Note to self : Make sure you remember WTF you keep stuff you'll need after 25 years.

What if your house is flooded? You cannot drive your car to the grocery store. No problem. Just swim to your Food Insurance. The bags are water proof (maybe), you see? My, oh my! Have they thought of everything or what?

What if your Food Insurance floats away? Assuming you have reported the Food Insurance as a valuable asset when you obtained your Flood Insurance, you can always file a claim for it. Did you just see how two different kinds of insurance can protect against the loss of each other? Surely the brain child of a Nobel Laureate.

Say what? You don't have Flood Insurance? Darn! If only you had been smart enough to have purchased Flood Insurance as well after you purchased Food Insurance. Still, you did good. At least, you did purchase Food Insurance. You couldn't use it when you needed it, but that's not anybody's fault, is it? Having the foresight to have Food Insurance by itself stands you apart from a million other equally intelligent people who went with Termite Insurance instead. As a side note, if you are shopping for Termite Insurance, please be sure to ask whether they offer an option that covers your Food Insurance against damage from a Termite attack. It never hurts to be prepared enough.

We are digressing a little bit, so let's get back on topic. What if you open the pouch after 7 years and 1 day? Will the food have rotted by then? Hmmm..., let's see.

Did you store the food insurance in Cool Dry place? Yeah? How Dry? And how Cool? If your air conditioning went on the blink and you lived in Arizona, your home was a cool 120 degrees Fahrenheit. Awesome! You should probably eat the food a little earlier. Like maybe, immediately? And then don't forget to get more Food Insurance. So you kinda always have some Food Insurance. You know what I'm saying?

By now you shouldn't have any doubts whatsoever it is highly recommended you never be without Food Insurance. What did you say? You sorta already do that? No! You lie! What you are doing now is buying food. You need to buy Food Insurance, you see? It's not the same thing. You don't get Food Insurance at your local grocery store. You get that from us and us alone! Don't forget that all the Fed money printing is going to cause hyperinflation at some point. You are thinking of buying Gold to preserve your purchasing power when that happens. But you cannot eat your Gold bars. Before food, and Food Insurance (of course) becomes impossibly expensive, it is an excellent idea for you to arrange for Food Insurance right now, so you can afford to eat 25 years hence.

I would like to report I just tried hanging myself. Such is my luck, the rope snapped.

Food Insurance also comes with bottled water, matches, heating stove, etc. A comprehensive solution for solving your food problem. Just add water and heat it. Several years after you purchase Food Insurance from us, you'll find out just how good we were. Are. Were? Are? And if for some reason, we don't measure up, you shouldn't be surprised if we have closed shop. Needless to say there will not be anyone around to share our liability. We are guaranteeing our food for at least 7 years, and while we haven't actually been in business for 7 years yet, we just happen to know a few people who claim to have had some experience storing food for 25 years. So you can trust us. What do you have to lose? Do you ever have any guarantee that your Health Insurance provider will not deny your claim? So surely you shouldn't hold us to a higher standard now, should you?

I am happy to report, my efforts in the last 5 minutes, have finally met with success. What you are reading after this point is being typed by my ghost.

October 24th, 2025, 2100 hours

GroceryInsurance Dot Com has been a stupendous success, well beyond our dreams. We are Billionaires. We are eating dinner when our elder one makes a profound declaration.

"Dad, Mom. I'm going to be rich like you anyways, so I've decided to drop out of Fale University."

"What!", I say, flabbergasted. If you think you can simply live off your inheritance, we are not going to leave you a dime!"

"Relax Old Man. I don't want anything from you."

"Oh yeah? What are you going to eat, then? You think I'm going to give you Food Insurance for free? Fat chance!", I thunder.

"Dad! Calm down! I just want to follow in your footsteps. Be an entrepreneur like you and Mom. I've already registered the domain name Gasoline Insurance Dot Com. Me and my fellow dropout friend from Fale, Whosemorals R. Elastix, have come up with a plan to sell folks Gasoline Insurance. We will sell 10 gallons of gasoline in air tight tanks that can last upto 6 years without turning into tar."

My ears perk up. "Tell me more, son. Tell me more."

"We know so many folks are worried about Oil Shock, Peak Oil, Gulf Wars that will cause disruption of the oil supply. We did some market research using the customer list for GroceryInsurance Dot Com. We were overjoyed to find almost 100% of your customers are also interested in purchasing Gasoline Insurance. Has there ever been anything more of a sure thing?"

"Bravo!" I beam and hold my wife's hand. "We're so proud of you!"

"A chip of the old block", my wife says as she leans over and gives our son a peck.

"But that's not all, Mom. Junior has a business idea too."

I can barely contain myself. "Really! Lord, thank you for this day. Lay it on me, squirt!"

"Well, I have decided to attend Scamford University. And also the topic of my research project for my Master Of Bullshit Degree", explained Junior. "If I'm successful, I think it will lead to a very profitable venture. Like Big Bro Bubba, I have also registered a domain name. NaturalGasInsurance Dot Com."

"Brilliant!" me and my wife exclaim in unison. "People will never have to worry about not being able to light a gas stove again. Natural Gas reserves have been steadily declining over the years", I nod wisely. "You couldn't have chosen a more opportune moment to explore the possibilities".

Our younger 'un looks a little perplexed. "What's wrong baby?" his Mom worries.

"I think you misunderstand my intentions", Junior says seriously. "I was talking about designing an underwear with a built-in sound suppressor, odor blocker and high pressure compression chamber that can trap farts for a full 12 hours. So people can protect themselves against accidental public embarrassment."

Herr Flatulence and family have a very bright future indeed!

The Scum Of All Fears

Fear. Basest of all human emotions.

Fear. Justification for committing genocide.

Fear. Excuse for overthrowing governments.

Fear. Reason for starting wars.

Fear. Grounds for sanctioning assassinations.

Fear. Instrument for spreading terror.

Fear. Tactic for controlling populations.

More prevalent today than its main competitors, namely, love, hate, happiness and sorrow, Fear peaked a few years back when our lives became increasingly colorful. Yellow, Orange, Red, etc. While the fear index may have dropped from its all time high set in recent history, it's exploitation has not abated much if at all. I fear - pun very much intended - it may be on the upswing, but not for reasons you might expect. Why do I think so? Read on.

Fear, of falling sick? Or Fear not having Health Insurance?

Fear, of wrecking your car? Or Fear not having enough liability coverage?

Fear, of death? Or Fear leaving your family saddled with debt?

Fear, of not being able to provide required health care to your patients? Or Fear the rising cost of Malpractice Insurance?

How do we fight Fear? Through it's antidote in modern society, namely, Insurance.

No sooner you mention in passing you are worried about something, you can bet your behind someone is already peddling insurance to protect from or against that something. The less widespread the Fear, the more unregulated it's insurance peddlers. Until marketing makes the Fear more prevalent at which point, the attention turns to the Next (Big) Fear, which dooms us to beget insurance for it.

Spend Spend Spend. Incur more debt. Buy more Life Insurance and Credit Card Insurance.

Sue Sue Sue. Incur more liability. Buy more Malpractice Insurance.

Fire Fire Fire. Buy Unemployment Insurance (Gotcha! You were thinking Hazard Insurance weren't you? Heh heh heh)

Buy a 10-bedroom house with no money down. Buy Mortgage Insurance.

Too rich for your own good and/or residing in unfriendly countries? Buy K&R - Kidnap and Ransom - Insurance, I kid you not.

Fear. The Fuel used for combustion in the Vehicle that is Insurance, driving us down the road often traveled, for the sake of making a quick buck.

"You Conservative Prick! You Insurance Industry Hating Liberal! You Independent Asshole! How dare you tell me not to protect myself with insurance? I'm going to need my Senility Insurance someday, you bastard!".

Puh-lease. I have nothing against insurance or buying insurance for the right intents and purposes. I have all kinds of insurance myself. I even know people who are in the insurance business. To the best of my knowledge, the ones I know personally are mostly God-fearing people. The remaining fear others in their life, such as myself, slapping them silly if they do something wrong. Besides, I haven't even said much if anything, yet. And now seems to be as good a time as any to clarify my position.

In my last blog I didn't have nothing against Yoga. Likewise, I have nothing against Insurance. Then, I was simply trying to enlighten folks about Yoga (ahem) Instructors. Now, I'm trying to contribute toward yawl making an informed decision regarding something else. Capiche?

Confession time. Recently I canceled my Termite Insurance. Yup. I got scammed, but it lasted just two months. Honest! You see, I thought I was buying Termite Protection. What in blazes was I thinking? Silly me. I had pondered thus :

* I retain a company which employs experts in all things Termite.

* I pay a premium monthly, quarterly, annually, whatever so they'll come to my house monthly, quarterly, annually, whatever and give my house a clean bill of health.

* The idea is to ensure - not insure (sic) - my house is not being attacked by Termites.

Is the above a novel concept? Turns out most think it is. These days, we are seldom interested in doing anything preventive. The potential victim simply buys insurance. The insurance provider gladly takes the money but without any liability.

"You are wrong! We at Termites For Us are the smartest bunch on the planet. Our staff collectively has 5000 years of experience in the Termite, Insurance, and Termite Insurance (Ding Dong!) industries. You don't know what You want. We know what You want. Here are but a few of the many facts regarding Termite Insurance you need to know :

1. Most homes do not get attacked by Termites.

2. Most of you are ignorant fools who don't know most homes are not attacked by Termites.

3. We know better than to sell Termite Insurance in areas where Termites have been known to infest.

4. Most of you do not drive your cars into a wall because you have Comprehensive Collision and Liability Coverage.

5. Most of you (Yours Truly not included at the moment) are not considering committing suicide because you have Life Insurance (again Yours Truly excluded as of this moment, if that means anything to anyone).

6. Given your predilection toward not destroying your insured Car and insured Life, we expect all of you with IQs greater than 20 will take preventive measures against a Termite attack on your house. 99% of those with IQ less than 20 will ask others to do it for them.

So next time please be careful what you say. Don't judge us unfairly if we don't know a little thing or two such as how to prevent Termite manifestations. Okay?"

If you pay a service provider to take care of something and that person does not do the job properly, or causes any kind of damage to your person or property, then the service provider is liable to provide you compensation. In this situation, it is the service provider who's in need of liability coverage and not you, the service consumer. A good example is a Doctor who has Malpractice Insurance. Whether you have Health Insurance or not before you visit the Doctor is irrelevant.

If you carelessly or deliberately ram your car into another, your Comprehensive Collision Coverage enables you to get your car fixed, while your Liability Coverage attempts to cover any damage incurred by the other party. Providers of these kinds of insurance are regulated - at least to some degree. Or at least one hopes so. We expect some kind of accountability from either party and we don't need to get into whether this accountability spans things moral and/or legal. A much more interesting question to ask is, how do we reconcile this accountability for an insurance (sic) such as Termite Insurance?

Termite Insurance providers have no real liability. In the worst case, their liability is capped to the extent of damage caused to the house by termites. The moment you see damage, you are going to call them, right? You are not going to wait till your entire wall collapses. The damage to their pocket is hence limited to the cost of repairs. You cannot sue your Termite Insurance company. They never promised your house will not be attacked by Termites. If Termites caused a hole in your wall, they will pay (I hope) to repair the hole in the wall. If it's winter and snowing outside and some member of your family gets frostbite, that's your problem not theirs. If someone you invited to dinner gets frostbite then you may be in the market for "Ungrateful Neighbor Insurance" in case you think you might get sued.

So do you think you need Termite Insurance? I don't know. You decide. Meanwhile, why don't we examine something a little more palatable? How about Flood Insurance?

It has been raining incessantly and abnormally where I live the last few days. The county I live in hasn't seen any flood in the 15 years that I have lived there. However, earlier this week on my drives to work, I couldn't but help hearing commercials for Flood Insurance during news breaks on the radio. Coincidence? Or someone trying to pray on people's fear of a Flash Flood because of the rains? That wasn't a stretch; warnings for surrounding counties had been popping up regularly during local evening news shows on TV. It is a business after all, so we might very well excuse them for their opportunistic peddling.

However, after 3 days, I started getting increasingly irritated by the commercials. And I have to admit, the source of my displeasure could simply have been the talk show host himself endorsing this insurance provider. My irritation gradually turned into curiosity. I decided to find out who was trying to sell Flood Insurance to folks such as myself. I wanted to make a mental note never to do business with them. Much to my chagrin, I discovered I had misheard the commercial. The bozo on radio was not selling Flood Insurance. He was raving about Food Insurance.

Did you get that? I didn't make a typo. F****** FOOD INSURANCE!

Continued in Part 2 : The Lord Of The Puddings, now available.

Yoga - The New Four Letter Word

Yoga, Yoga

Yank My Toga

Bend awkwardly

And Say..."Aloha"?!

Yoga is a four letter word. I'm serious. Check it out for yourself. Y-o-g-a. Four letters. While it does not gratify the (same) senses as the original four letter word, namely, F***, Yoga nonetheless, is to me, increasingly beginning to sound like an expletive.

One who practices the original four letter word is known as a F*****. That's six letters. Let me at this time humbly beg your forgiveness for not spelling out both the F-words. A thousand apologies if I made it hard for you to count the *'s, especially with the font I'm using. But what could I do? This is a family website.

Oh-kay.

Let's continue. One who practices Yoga, is know as a Yogi. Y-o-g-i. Four letters. Again! See? I couldn't make this up even if I wanted too!! It's a conspiracy!!!

Over the years, quite a few inventions, philosophies, ideologies, etc., have been touted as the next big thing, saviors of mankind, whatever. Today, Yoga seems to be rivaling the best of the best of such ideas. It is a universal craze. When some idea becomes so prevalent, it inevitably ends up becoming a buzz word. Buzz words are not allowed to leave anyone behind, oh no. Everyone has to have an opinion about it, else one is not considered to be part of the Club. What Club is that, you ask? I'm finding it a bit tough to come up with good name at the moment. I certainly don't want to call it the "Gathering of People with no life at Starbucks". I like Starbucks. So let me quite simply call it @#$%^&*!@#$%^&*!.

Low self esteem issues? Do Yoga!

Having problems in your marriage? Yoga for Sex. Yeah right!!

Lost your Job? Why not do Yoga? Hey, better yet, become a Yoga Instructor !!!

During the Dot Com era, Dry Cleaners were offering Stock tips to their customers. Gas Station Attendants were turning IT Recruiters for companies trying to peddle crap on the Internet and, if I might add, to their shareholders. Today, your Barber will likely enlighten you with his knowledge of some Asana that will help relieve the crick in your neck. Never mind it was he who caused the crick in the first place when he casually nudged your head sideways against your unspoken protests, while pretending to trim the hair atop your bald spot.

Now before all you Yogaphiles get your undergarments twisted up in a bunch, let me fess up. I do not understand Yoga. That's right. I honestly do not (completely) get it. What's more, I go to a Yoga class and I don't hate it. Really. I might even like it. I am just not quite sure yet. I don't even know - or care, frankly - if it is indeed Yoga that I'm learning. What I do know is I don't have to drag myself to the class once a week. What I will also tell you is at an earlier point in time, I had tried other Yoga classes. As you can probably guess, they all sucked most intensely.

I know, I know. "How can he say those Yoga classes weren't legit when he is admitting he does not understand Yoga?", some of you are fuming. Why do I know? There is a perfectly good reason. While I might electrocute myself trying to setup my home theater system, or flood the house trying to fix a leaky faucet, I do know the difference between an Electrician and a Plumber. I believe I have the requisite IQ to distinguish between a Yoga Instructor and a Bullshit Artist.

I have nothing against Yoga. No, really. That would be hypocritical. One shouldn't have anything against something that one does not understand. Yoga Instructors? Well, those are offspring of a different beast altogether. Yoga Instructors I know. Oh yeah. And you should know 'em too. Who are they? They are those Barbers, Gas Station Attendants, etc., who know they get paid helluva more by passing themselves off as Yoga Instructors, than what they were making in their previous occupation. The risk - barrier to entry into the upper echelons of the Club - is low. The reward - recognition as a Spiritual Being - is high. They are no different than Stock Brokers shoving bad investment advice down our throats, thereby turning us into hapless clients. $10 per class, 10 people per class, class lasts for an hour equals $100 per hour. Do you make $100 per hour? Think about it.

The problem with fads is that you have to take the good with the bad. Some real Dot Com companies exist today. Those that were crap rightly and eventually got flushed down the toilet. Don't know how long that'll take with Yoga Instructors. Perhaps never, since at least as of today, Yoga Instructors do not trade on the stock exchanges and don't look like going bankrupt anytime soon. Wonder if anyone has tried flushing them down the toilet though. Just a thought.

So given you want to learn Yoga, you have to waste some mental collateral when choosing your Yoga Instructor. I am naturally suspicious of Professional Yoga Instructors. Were the clients of Bernie Madoff able to recognize his abilities as a Professional Money Manager? Hell, no. So what makes you think you have any special talents in spotting a bona fide Yoga Instructor? You really don't.

In all honesty, that is perhaps why I like my current Yoga Instructor. He is a highly placed official at a Bank. He does not need to teach Yoga for a living. Maybe that's why I implicitly trust him. Maybe that is why when he delivers profound instructions such as "Breathe deeply through nose", I give him the benefit of doubt. I don't go, "WTF? Have you tried to breathe deeply through any other hole in your body? It is distinctly uncomfortable!".

As an aside, there are perfectly good reasons why at times, I don't wanna breathe deeply through my nose in Yoga class. Here's one of them.

That is not to say all Professional Yoga Instructors are bad. In fact, I know a couple myself who really believe in their craft and have spent several years, from a young age, learning and practicing Yoga. They are good friends, but neither is my Yoga Instructor since they live inconveniently away. The point is, you are better off finding a Yoga Instructor by word of mouth. Don't blindly sign up for a class at your local Yoga Center with just anyone.

Here's one hint you may have made a mistake with your Yoga Instructor. Say if your class lasts for an hour, and you are spending 45 minutes doing breathing exercises, err, sorry taking Yogic Breaths (hah! learned something new didn't you?) and making weird sounds, err, I mean Aum ॐ, the next 10 doing neck exercises, and the last 5 trying to touch your feet, chances are quite high you have been had.

So here's my tribute to all - well most - Yoga Instructors. NOT!

Note to David Letterman : Please do not use these on your TV show without my permission, or you'll just end up having to come clean about something else to your fans other than your sexual escapades.

The Top 10 Reasons Why NOT To Take a Yoga class

10) Only midgets don't have trouble touching their feet.

9) You might end up being the butt of jokes on a Penn & Teller's Bullshit episode.

8) If you fall asleep during the class no one will wake you up.

7) You'll trade relief from back and neck pain for stomach ache.

6) Aren't software developers from India quite enough?

5) Who wants to stay on the Mat all the time?

4) You cannot check out each other when your eyes are closed most of the time.

3) You can learn to hum Aum ॐ in the proper key much better in your shower.

2) What? Just because you were too wimpy to do push-ups?

... and the number 1 reason why NOT to take a Yoga class ...

1) The good looking chics are in the Aerobics class.

And a final word to all Me-Too-Yoga-Wanna-be's. Just because someone makes you bend and twist your body in interesting ways, does not mean it's Yoga. In fact, there may be something seriously wrong with it. Ask this guy when he can hear you.

Be careful out there. Yoga Instructor lurking round the corner.

Speculating in the Stock Market

All of you out there are hell bent on speculating in the stock markets. Or at least you think you are. Please start using your Kidneys.

The 3 P's OF SPECULATION

Note I said 3P's. Right now yawl are only focusing on 2P's, rather continually doing PeePee or PooPoo. Stop wasting water and toilet paper. As they say, when you are looking to buy a house...Location, Location, Location. Similarly, when you are Speculating...Probability, Probability, Probability.

The Probability that a stock is going to go up has a lot more to do with the sector it is in rather any fundamental (alleged) improvement in the prospects of the underlying company. Remember the Technology, Real Estate/Financial bubbles? Recognizing the bubble early and then getting onto the bandwagon - that's key. That's how the easy money is made.

HOW TO SPECULATE

Are you perceiving a Technology bubble anytime soon? No?

Then WTF are you buying a stock like EXBX.OB?

Are you perceiving a Real Estate/Financial asset bubble?

Now? Really? Of course not?
Then WTF are you thinking of buying FNM or FRE or CITI?

Are you thinking people are worried about keeping their jobs?

Or keeping their cars looking clean in this environment?

WTF are you bottom fishing in SPNGE.OB then?

Let's examine a recent bubble - Energy. Or Oil. Take your pick. This bubble culminated when price of oil reached around $147. When the bubble burst, in less than 7 months price of oil was around $37. Now the price of oil is around $70. Are we back in a bubble? Or is there a fundamental reason that oil is now 100% up from its lows? You tell me.


Wait! Wrong freakin' question. Why? Because none of you are capable of doing Fundamental Analysis or Experts in Geopolitical Science or understand concepts of Peak Oil. The best you can do is FundaMENTAL ANALysis. And that is simply not good enough.

The easy money has already been made by those champion Speculators who tried their luck when Oil bounced off $37. Whether they were Lucky, or Good, or both is irrelevant. They have doubled their money and They are out. You want to speculate on Oil? Ask yourself what is the Probability it will reach $140 and how long are you prepared to wait for that to happen? Not to mention $70 is not exactly chump change. If you are not in early, you will be left holding the basket. BASKET. An important concept I will revisit. If you are late getting in, you will always get burnt. I know someone who has less hair than me (but claims otherwise) has been making a career of it, lately.

Trying to bottom fish like Those investors did when Oil was at $37 last year, is certainly one way to go. Doing so without any rhyme or reason has a high Probability of failure not success. Whatever prompted one to get into Oil at $37, simply Hoping it will now go up another 100% to 140 based on the alignment of the Planets is madness.

So then, what has started to go up, now? Look!! It is Gold! Finally! All time high! That is how bubbles begin. Higher highs beget higher highs. Something is always going up, until it stops going up. Gold seems to have finally turned.

Now ask yourself one question? "Do I feel lucky?" Well do you, Punk?

For you too make 100% on your investment, GLD which is currently around $100 has to reach $200. In other words, Gold Bullion has to sell for $2000 an ounce. If that happens GDX - the basket of the biggest and baddest Gold Miners - might triple to $150 from where it is now. But ask yourself - What is the Probability? And how much time do I want to wait for my guess to come true? More importantly, why do I say if GLD doubles in price, GDX might triple in price?

WHAT TO SPECULATE WITH

The real question, however is more basic. Do you buy the Underlying Asset or the Enablers for That Asset?

During the Tech bubble stocks of companies providing the infrastructure i,e. CSCO went up 10 times, i.e. 900%. Those who bought CSCO switches and started www.AllYouSuckersAreGoingToLoseYourShirt.com went up 100 times, i.e. 9900%! Hard to believe? Only because hardly any of those companies exist anymore. Look at EBAY split adjusted moving from pennies to over $25.


During the Energy Boom while oil tripled to near $150, the stock GROW - which runs mutual funds that predominantly invest in energy stocks all over the world - went from under $5 to $75 - 1400% !!! Don't believe me? Look at the split adjusted chart for GROW.


So do you buy GOLD or do you buy those who DELIVER GOLD?

The answer should be clear. Look for .PK and .OB stocks of Gold Miners that are trading in pennies, NOT the Gold Miners whose stocks make up GDX. Instead of buying 10000 shares of stock trading at 10 cents for a cost of $1000, buy 1000 shares of 10 stocks each trading at average price of 10 cents. You are risking the same amount of money. Trade The Basket. The Probability of the basket doubling is way higher than the prospect of the 1 stock you end up speculating(?) on doubling. There is speculation, and then there is Speculation!

YOUR PLAN OF ACTION (POA)

1) Go to your favorite financial website that let's you screen stocks in a particular sector. Search for Gold Miners in your desired price range depending on how much money you want to speculate with. For example, if you want to buy 10 stocks, make sure you generate enough, say, 100 names.
2) Print the names of say 100 stocks out on a 10 x 10 matrix in an excel spreadsheet.
3) Take a pencil/pen in your hand, poise it over the piece of paper, look up, close your eyes, let your hand drop on
the printed paper, look down and open your eyes to see the square where it landed. Mark that square. Repeat 9 more times.
4) Buy 1000 shares of each of the 10 stocks you randomly selected in step 3.
5) Pray.
6) Pray some more.
7) Pray not only to your God but at least two other Gods preferably from religions different than your own. If you are an Atheist, pay someone else to pray for you. Mentally include that payment in your cost basis as commissions you paid on your stock purchases.
Depending on what happens next, follow either 8) or 10)
8) If your portfolio doubles OR if it reaches your desired non-greedy profit level, sell ALL. Repeat. SELL ALL. Don't apply fundaMENTAL ANALysis and sell some stocks and not others in the basket. ALWAYS TRADE THE BASKET. SELL THE BASKET. Remember The Basket? Never get left holding The Basket!
9) Check out which sector has taken the lead in the time you have been holding those stocks. Here's one possible way to run a screen. Repeat starting at Step 1 with the new sector, or even with the same one if it has still sustained leadership. You can start with the original principal say $1000, or try to compound your Probability of Success, otherwise known as Luck with the $2000, assuming 100% profit met your greedy expectations. (Note: Sophisticated Speculators will make sure they set aside some of the gains to pay taxes).
10) If you lost the game, then STOP Speculating. You were never Good to begin with. And now you have found out you are not Lucky either. Continuing to play is not Speculating. It is Stupidity. At some point, you simply have to get out of the Game. I have.

FINAL THOUGHTS

You increase your Probability of success by following a System. A System such as the one laid out in the POA above. The System itself is not important. What is important is that you have one.

The definition of Probability itself assumes that the outcomes over which probability is measured are individually independent, i.e. outcomes are random and no special circumstances existed that influenced any of the outcomes which can stack the deck when Probability is calculated. A coin with two Heads will have a 100% probability that betting on Tails will fail - clearly a stacked deck. That's why we call them Random outcomes. If you don't follow a System, then you are indeed doing some fundaMENTAL ANALysis and need to have your brain examined. You are now trying to follow some warped logic or reasoning aka wishful thinking that the stock you buy will actually go up. That is NOT Speculating.

In The Shawshank Redemption, Morgan Freeman tells Tim Robbins, "HOPE is a dangerous thing". Tim Robbins counters, "HOPE is a good thing". Morgan Freeman was right. Tim Robbins was wrong. It was a movie. Only in a movie can someone make it through a mile of crap and come out in the rain smelling like shit, looking like shit, but worth a million bucks. You live in the real world. Your deodorant prevents you from smelling like shit. But you will never have a million bucks and trust me, you will feel like shit!

HOPE is indeed a dangerous thing. HOPE is why Mo buys EXBX.OB at 21 cents and HOPES it will go to $1. When that does not happen. Mo then thinks of buying more EXBX.OB at 1 cent again HOPING if it goes up to just 10 cents, he will recover all his money. What was the Probability to begin with that EXBX.OB would go from 20 cents to 1 buck - an increase of 400%? And what is the Probability now EXBX.OB will go from 1 cent to 10 cents - an increase of 900% ?! Get real.

STOP HOPING. You thought you were Speculating all this time? You were NOT! You were HOPING.

START SPECULATING !!!